These days I make a lot of plans. That’s about as far I get. It’s become comical between me and whoever is on the other end; “Let’s go for a walk later this week”, ”Come over for lunch on Wednesday?”, ”Let’s have some tea”. The whole time we both know probably won’t happen. The babies napping non-schedule makes it hard to commit. And if I’ve only had 3 hours of sleep, forget it. I’m useless to do much else besides feed myself and baby. Hopefully get a walk in for Hank.
In a recent interview with Lena Dunham by Marc Maron they talk about anxiety and making plans. About phones these days and being so connected, with email and texting and social media. How anxious it can make you and how sometimes just making a plan is good enough. Hey! We made a plan! That’s great. Good enough for me!
I dread the lead up to the actual event. and then almost always love the actual hang out. Knowing that I really do need to spend time with people in order to feel fulfilled and happy. But these days, it can just feel good to know that someone wants to hang out. Even if it never happens.
I’ve taken enough photos of Sawyer on my phone to fill the ocean. It’s amazing how many photos one can take of a baby sleeping. It’s amazing how a sleeping baby becomes the most entertaining thing you’ve ever stared at for four consecutive weeks. Four weeks and five days, to be exact. But I felt like posting this photo. It is a peony that my friend from school gave me last year after I told her I was pregnant. We were in a flowering plant identification class together and she stole this from our campus. I haven’t talked to her in months but we were cut from the same cloth.
I am giving myself a break from thinking about work. ’Work’ meaning to make money and also ‘work’ as in creative endeavors. Ideally the two would join forces though. I suppose giving myself a break is obvious, since I have a newborn. (Also, since I didn’t have a job before he was born! Ha.) But I can’t help but think about mother’s who have to go back to work soon after their babies are born. I feel so grateful to have this time. But I also feel a tinge of guilt. I know I shouldn’t, but we can’t help feeling what we feel, right? Pushing that aside, I wouldn’t give this up for any job. This is the best job there is.
Oddly enough, I feel more creative than ever. I’m not really making anything but I am dreaming of making things. I feel more ambitious about creating and more driven than ever. Maybe it’s because once you give birth to a baby you feel you can do anything. Maybe also it is that I’ve just created a little life and I want to show this little life how full one can live. Or maybe he is showing me? I want to show him that we can’t be afraid to be who we are and simply move forward with our dreams. I think there is a certain amount of holding back that I have been shedding during this transitional time. What’s to hide anymore? I feel the same about breastfeeding. I used to wonder how I’d feel about nursing in front of other people. If I’d try to conceal myself or quietly step into another room. I quickly realized that it is pretty elemental. This is how I keep the little guy alive and it feels like too much effort to try to hide that. Plus, there should be no shame. It is every bit short of a shameful act.
So here I go. Chin’s up.
My new favorite thing. Three ounces coconut oil plus one ounce beeswax combined into a half pint mason jar. Place jar in a small pan filled with one inch of water. Simmer until melted. Cool until solid. Gather all wooden utensils, cutting boards, anything made of wood. Rub oil into wood with bare hands. Prepare to fall under a spoon butter spell. The wooden objects will come to life. Your soul will feel nourished. I have not done anything so satisfying in some time. I could do this all day. I am left wanting more wooden objects. I can’t wait for this unborn child to experience spoon butter. It is delicious.