Top photo: I’ve been looking everywhere for these wild violets and then they were growing right outside our front door.
Middle photo: from the first two weeks after Sawyer’s birth, when we lived downstairs in a warm glow.
Bottom photo: my loves.
The baby is napping right now. When he sleeps, there is so much that I’d like to do I end up stuck, like a broken record. Like that spinning wheel of death on the computer screen. I want to finish knitting a baby hat, finish an embroidery project, clean the kitchen, clean our bedroom, read The New Yorker, take out the trash, do laundry, organize our stuff, plant seeds in the garden, clean out our car, finish sewing this shirt I am making, make some tea, drink some water, draw a picture, respond to emails I haven’t gotten to in weeks, mail thank you letters, call people back, sweep, wash the window above the sink, clean the mirror in the bathroom, clean the shower, take a shower, on and on and on. At the moment our house is a mess. I have a new thing of trying to keep at least one room clean. I feel like I can’t clear my head unless the house is put together. Not perfect, just picked up and decluttered. But I don’t want to spend all my free moments cleaning; it’s not that important.
So, here I am. I decided I should just write about it all. At least I can do that and can just think about everything. Even if I end up doing nothing.
What I’ve been thinking about in no particular order:
I love morning sounds: building a fire, breakfast making, coffee brewing, clanking around.
Listening to the frogs at dusk. It is a deep nostalgia trigger for me. I hope we end up living at a place where Sawyer experiences that. Falling asleep to that sound is so calming and reassuring. Although I’m sure he will end up having his own sound associations, it’s just such a good one.
Last night we went for a walk after dinner, as we often do. Our good friends, Ann and Andy, were visiting and my Ma and Thom joined us. A walk around the block turned into a walk down to the beach. I was so tired I was dragging my feet but the sunset was pulling us to the water. I was glad we went. When we returned home it was perfect timing to catch the moon rising over the horizon. It was full. We’d worked in the garden for the past two days and we stood on the porch to get a better view of the rising moon. It was also a better view of all our hard work turning the dirt and making new beds. Gardening is so good for me. The more I’m out there,the less stuff I find myself wanting. Also caring less about my appearances. Sometimes I think I want to fill a hole I have with stuff. Get these shoes, buy that shirt, get that stuff, more more more. Then I fill it with gardening and harvesting nettles and cottonwood buds and walking on the beach and talking to neighbors. That’s one benefit from leaving Portland, I find myself wanting less. There are so many temptations in the city; so many options and hats to try on.
I came up with a thing called “Watering Wednesdays” to help me remember to water the plants. Often I still forget and it turns into “Thirsty Thursdays” and “Fuck, it’s Friday” then “Shit it’s Saturday” and ultimately “Save the plants Sunday”.
Dean suggested I listen to a Ted Talks by Malcolm Gladwell on David and Goliath. To help me remember I set a reminder on my phone and computer. So now a window keeps popping up “David and Goliath” and it’s funny. I still haven’t listened to it.
My mom went to Seattle this morning and brought me back my favorite Phad Thai from Little Uncle. It was the best surprise and it comes wrapped in paper with a green onion sticking out the top and 3 little paper bags. Sugar, hot peppers and roasted peanuts. They know the way to my heart.
I realize it’s a good day when I find myself never checking any social media.
I just sneezed and Hank barked and it woke up the baby. I actually whisper screamed “Fuck you” to Hank. I think I’m kind of losing it today. Sorry, Hank. I love you, buddy.
Baby fell back asleep.