I’ve taken enough photos of Sawyer on my phone to fill the ocean. It’s amazing how many photos one can take of a baby sleeping. It’s amazing how a sleeping baby becomes the most entertaining thing you’ve ever stared at for four consecutive weeks. Four weeks and five days, to be exact. But I felt like posting this photo. It is a peony that my friend from school gave me last year after I told her I was pregnant. We were in a flowering plant identification class together and she stole this from our campus. I haven’t talked to her in months but we were cut from the same cloth.
I am giving myself a break from thinking about work. ’Work’ meaning to make money and also ‘work’ as in creative endeavors. Ideally the two would join forces though. I suppose giving myself a break is obvious, since I have a newborn. (Also, since I didn’t have a job before he was born! Ha.) But I can’t help but think about mother’s who have to go back to work soon after their babies are born. I feel so grateful to have this time. But I also feel a tinge of guilt. I know I shouldn’t, but we can’t help feeling what we feel, right? Pushing that aside, I wouldn’t give this up for any job. This is the best job there is.
Oddly enough, I feel more creative than ever. I’m not really making anything but I am dreaming of making things. I feel more ambitious about creating and more driven than ever. Maybe it’s because once you give birth to a baby you feel you can do anything. Maybe also it is that I’ve just created a little life and I want to show this little life how full one can live. Or maybe he is showing me? I want to show him that we can’t be afraid to be who we are and simply move forward with our dreams. I think there is a certain amount of holding back that I have been shedding during this transitional time. What’s to hide anymore? I feel the same about breastfeeding. I used to wonder how I’d feel about nursing in front of other people. If I’d try to conceal myself or quietly step into another room. I quickly realized that it is pretty elemental. This is how I keep the little guy alive and it feels like too much effort to try to hide that. Plus, there should be no shame. It is every bit short of a shameful act.
So here I go. Chin’s up.